GET HIM OUTTA HERE!

I'm sorry I haven't posted since Sunday.  Graham's Monday and Tuesday were much the same...GREAT GREAT GREAT.  He was so motivated to get out of here, he was walking 10 - 12 laps and even started making a lap or two here and there without his walker!!!  He learned he needed shoes, because he is so weak, he was slipping all over the place - and the socks were not helping.  They quickly put up a "Safety First!  Patient at Risk for Falls" sign on the door.  He was eating good and the dressing on his right side was getting soaked less and less.  Then came Wednesday...
Fairly early in the morning, his nurse for the day noticed his neckline starting to ooze a little.  Red Flag...this could mean infection.  And this is when Graham lost it, and I haven't seen back him since.  The nurse was quick on her feet.  She got the line pulled and sent a swab down to the lab to be tested, hopefully to find something within 24 hours.  It appeared that if it was an infection, it was caught early enough that it shouldn't be too bad of a problem.  But all Graham could think was that if it WAS an infection, this could set him back further, cause him to stay longer, or worse...reject. 
He also needed 2 units of blood on Wednesday.  Guessing just from low blood count, Graham was too out of it to ask - SO not like Graham, he asks about everything that goes into his body.  And his feet began to swell too, this was his first thought that he was a freak.  All he could think of was the post transplant volunteer and how enormous her feet were 6 years after transplant.  He began to think that all this swelling was never going away.
I got here about 5:30 - and I left Mansfield at 4:00, it was NOT a fun drive.  But when I finally got here, he was just staring into space, picking at his hands.  Tried to talk to him, he wouldn't really talk.  His eyes were so swollen, he was so tired.  I convinced him to eat a little (what a night that he decided to try Hummus...of all things???), and he scarfed down a PB&J and a salad (he hadn't eaten since breakfast) and go ahead and walk for the evening, get it over with.  He did about 6 or 7 laps, nothing stellar, but it was something.  When we got back he did his treatments and then he wanted to stand at the sink and get ready for bed.  Bad mistake, this was the first time he got to look at himself, I mean, really look and examine what he looks like.  You could just see the horror in his face, I swear I even saw him tear up.  He didn't say anything, but I was thinking "Oh &*^##, why am I letting him do this?"  He sat back in the chair, and just began picking at himself again...his hands are so dry from all the "germ-x" stuff.  Finally, probably annoyed with all my useless banter, he just says, "I'm a freak" and more about how he looks so bad because of the swelling, and how uncomfortable he is.  I was at a loss for words.  What do you say, "You look SOOO much better" just for him to interpret it wrong?  Or, it'll go away; when it's been a month and he's still retaining so much water, he is literally 2 - 3 times his normal size.  All I could do was tell him how proud I am of him, and that it HAS only been 1 month and you can't expect to be back to normal (or your new normal) yet.  But it wasn't enough.  I got him in bed and left about 9:30. 
I'm back today, Jordan got to come up and see him.  She was soooo excited.  She couldn't even nap, her whole 45 minutes of laying in bed, she was whispering, "Need to nap, go see Daddy" over and over.  So cute!  We pack up and head out and when we got to the part on I-30 where you can see the Dallas Skyline, she started yelling, "Skyscrapers!  Daddy's big buildings, I go to Daddy's hospital!"  and started to dance.  She was so happy once we got in here.  She did get a little uneasy a few times, but for the most part, had a blast.  She was even comparing Daddy's boo boo to hers! 
With all that fun, we only got a smirk out of Graham.  Once she left with her Mimi, all conversation left.  I have never seen him like this, and I don't like it.  He's so down and depressed, I just want to shake him out of it.  Or pinch myself because this CAN'T be happening, not Graham, not the silliest (albeit weirdest at times) man I know.  He finally did say, "This is so much harder than I ever realized."  And left it at that.  We've had small talk, but nothing more.  I really miss my husband, and I agree, this is so much more difficult than I ever imagined too.